


A Price to Pay

by Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire



Series: The Path You Choose [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Carry On Tarot, Carry On Tarot Collection, Heartbroken Tyrannus Basilton ”Baz” Pitch, Justice, Love isn't enough, M/M, Mentioned Fiona Pitch, Mentioned Malcolm Grimm - Freeform, Mentioned Natasha Grimm-Pitch, POV First Person, POV Simon Snow, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Friendship, Penelope Bunce is a Good Friend, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, Post-Break Up, Prompt Fic, Sad Simon Snow, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Simon Snow Loves Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Loves Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25090345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire/pseuds/Sharing_a_room_with_an_open_fire
Summary: It's been a month and a half since Simon left me. The pain is excruciating and I can't stand it any longer. He's not going to take me back.Simon is done with me once and for all. He doesn't take my calls, I'm not welcomed at their flat anymore.”I’m sorry, Baz,” Bunce told me last time we spoke on the phone. ”You know how Simon is when he makes up his mind.”I could clearly hear regret in her voice. It wasn't Penny’s fault.Simon breaks up with Baz after Wayward Son because Simon thinks Baz is better off without him. Is he really? And what does Baz think?Written for Carry On Tarot, CardJustice.
Relationships: Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: The Path You Choose [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1920541
Comments: 26
Kudos: 54
Collections: Carry_On_Tarot_Collection





	A Price to Pay

**Author's Note:**

> Dear reader,  
>   
> I am not familiar with Tarot Cards so this is simply my interpretation of the concept.  
>   
> The Justice Tarot Card is a symbol of truth, fairness, and law.  
>   
> Upright Justice Meaning: _The decisions that you make now have long-term effects in all things, both for yourself and others._  
>   
>  This is a sad one shot.  
>   
> Sending thanks and love to my amazing betas [mybluebucketofsnow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybluebucketofsnow/pseuds/mybluebucketofsnow) and [Fool of a Book Wyrm (Lafeli85)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lafeli85/pseuds/Fool%20of%20a%20Book%20Wyrm) for supporting me with my fics, both happy and sad. And in general — for being wonderful friends.💙💙💙  
> 

# BAZ

It's been a month and a half since Simon left me. The pain is excruciating and I can't stand it any longer. He's not going to take me back. 

Simon is done with me once and for all. He doesn't take my calls, I'm not welcomed at their flat anymore.

”I’m sorry, Baz,” Bunce told me last time we spoke on the phone. ”You know how Simon is when he makes up his mind.”

I could clearly hear regret in her voice. It wasn't Penny’s fault. 

There's nothing she could have done. I was the one at fault for ever putting Simon in this situation in the first place — to foolishly hope he’d ever feel the same.

_You and I, Simon, were an unlikely match right from the start._

People say Life and Death go hand in hand. It's a beautiful sentiment except it's not exactly accurate is it? I can testify to that first hand. 

Life and Death are separated for a reason. One is growth, the other is decay. 

No matter. I didn't call her for that. By then I already knew he wasn't going to take me back. I called to say goodbye. 

”I understand. Penelope, I simply wanted to say goodbye.”

”You’re leaving?”

I didn't want to put her in a bad spot so I lied.

”Yes,” I said. ”I decided to leave London.”

”Basil… Are you—,” I could hear her loud sigh. ”Where are you going exactly?”

”To Oxford.” I stated as calmly as possible and hoped she wouldn't catch me in a lie.

I think she might have exhaled in relief. ”That's a great idea.”

”Indeed. Goodbye, Penelope, ” I made sure my voice didn't break.

”Bye, Baz.” 

From that day forward I let myself slip too far. I have no one to hold on to.

At first, it’s almost uncomfortable. The nothingness is creeping in on me and every instinct in my body screams to go back, to find something, to remember something worth living for.

There isn't anything.

My mother is dead. My father has a new family of his own. He has no use for a queer vampire son, regardless. 

Fiona has her own burden to bear, she’s on her road of vengeance. It may help her or it may very well bring her downfall. Fiona is well aware of it herself. 

She knows that she might die one of these days. Still, she doesn't stop. 

My aunt will never be alright. She’s chosen this road since it's the only thing that keeps her going…

Simon was the only thing to keep me going… 

That's gone now. We’re through. He doesn't want me, doesn't love me. Of course, he doesn't. Why would he? I don't deserve that, especially not from someone like Simon Snow. Golden boy. Chosen One. 

The fact that Simon gave away his magic doesn't change any of that. He’s still the greatest mage to ever walk this Earth. 

I always knew he was too good for me. I understood, instinctively that nothing would ever come out of my hopeless love for him. 

When he first started to reject me, I thought: _What's a little less hope?_

Oh, how naive I've been...

We were never meant to be. Simon is destined to live in the light, with the sun shining bright on him, as the kindred spirits they are. 

My place is in the shadows, hidden from the world. The sun burns me for a reason. It's trying to find its way to my soul. I have none. It was taken away from me at the age of five. 

For a while, I thought Simon was my soul. He isn't — he never agreed to that. I made that choice for him, I clung to him with every fibre of my being. That wasn't fair. It's not the kind of burden he ever has to carry.

Simon took pity on me once, in a burning forest. That's what it was — _pity_. Then he stayed with me, simply due to him being loyal and kind. Some part of him fancied me, I suppose. I'm not bad looking.

It wasn't enough though… he was never going to fall in love with me. I deluded myself with idle fantasies that he just might… with time.

However, not even someone as good as Simon Snow would have it in him to love a monster, evil incarnate. 

The breakup was inevitable. I saw it coming. Yet it still came as a shock. 

”Simon, please— ” I begged him. ”I can't live without you.”

He sat back like I’ve slapped him.

”No,” Simon shook his head at me.

”It's for the best this way,” he told me. I didn't realize it back then, that he was right.

It's true. Simon deserves someone better, someone alive. 

Someone to build a life with. A person who doesn't consume others in order to survive. 

I am useless to everyone. I have nothing to offer. All I do is take…

After I was shot during our trip to America, something was already changing. I felt listless. Like my undead body had to make some steep sacrifice to hold on to its “un.” I lost part of my humanity then. 

Perhaps I would have gotten it back if Simon let me stay by his side, let me love him and bask in dreams of him, one day feeling the same towards me.

Fate had other plans for me. I've gotten what I deserved — loneliness.

I've spent some time reminiscing every touch and every kiss; how Simon held my hand because he needed me back then. Well, he didn't need _me_ specifically, just someone. I'm grateful to have been at least that for him. 

By the time every last thought about our past has been relieved inside my broken mind, I was ready... 

So I let myself slip further, let the darkness consume me. Except it's not dark. There's nothing. It's _nothingness_. 

* * *

# SIMON

” _Baz_ ,” I call out to him, not quite sure it is really him.

He looks pale, paler than usual. He looks like some of the vampires did at the bar.

What happened to him?

”Simon,” he greets me by my first name and yet it's not the same. The way he says it chills me to the bones. 

Baz isn't speaking like he used to. Not when we were together, not even before that. There's no love, no venom in his voice. It's just a sound.

His eyes reflect nothing either. They are entirely empty. He's gone. Baz is gone. 

It scares me the way nothing ever did. Because I know how to deal with anger. But this? How can I deal with this? How can I change it?

His eyes are pools of vacuum as if everything has been sucked out of them, it’s like stepping into a room without air. I can't breathe when I look into them because there's nothing there.

They remind me about the dead spots left by the Humdrum, by me.

I don't even have magic anymore and I still managed to do this — take a life. I finally understand what I did the day I broke things off with him, I killed him.

There are always consequences of one’s actions. I always knew that theoretically…

Still, I never thought of my own... Not really. Accountability was for other people. I always did what I thought was the right thing to do, what was expected of me. I never stopped for even a second to think things through, have I?

I remember that day when I broke up with Baz. I've memorized everything about it.

In addition, I vividly remember what he told me on the beach in California as well.

_”Why can’t you just admit that you’d be happier here?” I asked him._

_He raised his voice: “Why can’t you see that I wouldn’t be happy anywhere without you?”_

He never did that before — raised his voice at me. I should have understood what it meant… I didn't. 

And now, Baz has done what I told him to, hasn’t he? But that's not what I meant. I wished for him to be happy. 

I never wanted him to _lose himself_. 

I don't know if I can bring him back. Is that even possible? What will happen if I do? Has he hurt anyone yet? Will Baz remember? If he does remember. Does it mean he’ll be in much pain after, so much that he’ll break?

What should I do?

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. 💙  
>   
> I’m so sorry for all this sadness. I have another Tarot Card that will be posted 11/7. It's going to be a reverse mirror of this story, a **What if AU** and will have a **Happy Ending**.  
>   
> In the meantime, you’re welcome to yell at me for all the pain, (but please, not _too much_ and not _mean_ yelling.)  
>   
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you’d like a bit of cheering up — here’s my Snowbaz happy stories:  
>   
> [He’s not dull](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23805289/chapters/57193069) — multiple chapters.  
>   
> [It Can Only Be You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24613699/chapters/59461462) — multiple chapters  
>   
> [Baz is a cat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23314567/chapters/55844782) — short (1,513 words.)  
>   
> Fair warning the rest is **Explicit** :  
>   
> [Summertime](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21792541/chapters/52001164) — multiple chapters.  
>   
> [How to lose a straight enemy in 10 easy steps](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23157277/chapters/55423396) — multiple chapters.  
>   
> [Wanking my feelings away 2.0 edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23721121) — one shot.  
>   
> [All it took was one glance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517976) — one shot.  
>   
> [Simon’s Summer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21646147) — one shot.  
>   
> [The happiest moment of my life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21825082) — one shot (this is a smut part of a longer fic.)


End file.
